Even in jail he doesn't change I guess...

He called tonight to ask when I will take the kids. And he mentioned that she went to visit him yesterday. His tone was like it was no big deal...he feels 'lonely' there, 'depressed', etc. After telling me last week that he was sorry for everything, asking for forgiveness, etc. I was thinking maybe it took something like this to make him wake up to what he was doing, really think about things....but nope...he's still playing his stupid games I guess. Nothing is a big deal. Man my heart is in pieces!! Yes I knew he would be deported, yes I knew that the divorce was going to happen, but still!! This hurts so much and I am SO TIRED of all these tears!! I'm tired of my eyes burning all the time, the sallow look on my face all the time, I'm sick of it! I'm hurting!! My kids are hurting!!! They're not stupid...they don't know details but I know they have an idea of what's been going on. How horrible it must be for a child to know that their own father is doing these things. How can a man not even care about his own children? How can live a life that can only end up hurting his kids? I don't get it!!! For that matter, I don't get how any woman get get involved with a married man. That is just so disgusting and so low.

I need to go turn on the shower and cry in there so the kids don't hear me crying like this.

When will I wake up without tears?

I woke up this morning about 5:30am while having a dream about A. Its a little fuzzy now, but I know I dreamt that I called his cell phone. (I don't know why since he's still at the jail and his phone is in my purse.) I was leaving him a message, I think I was crying as I spoke. And suddenly she picked up the phone and gave it to him, saying, "It's her again!" He answered and asked why I was calling when it was so early and they were still sleeping. I said something about how the kids and I thought he was still in jail, yet he obviously didn't let us know. I know there was more to the dream, but that's all I remember right now. But I woke up in the middle of it, my heart was pounding, and my pillow was wet. It took a while of working on taking steady deep breaths to calm down again.

I'd love to wake up and not have this heaviness on me. :(