A got his court date

A called to tell me that he got his court date. He'll go on November 10th, I don't know where it will be. I guess at that time he'll fnd out when he will be going back to Mexico. I told him that my lawyer said the divorce papers will be served sometime next week. I guess I shouldn't have. I have no discernment about when to keep my mouth shut I guess. Anyway, he got all quiet and then just said "I have to go, give the babies a kiss for me, tell them I love them."

The bad thing is that I had been feeling very better earlier today. Even going in to sign the papers so my lawyer can file them with the court didn't leave me that emotional. But this...I've been crying ever since, not just tears silently falling....loud, uncontrollable sobbing coming from deep within me. It hurts so much!!! I never wanted this! I thought that when you get married, barring unforseeable tragedy, you are going to grow old with this person, raise children, spend time with grandchildren, look back on a lifetime of holidays and birthdays and vacations and daily living and smile and talk about how wonderful its been. I didn't know that getting married would mean years of crying and waiting and trusting in what turned out to be lies, and wondering if its all because I'm too ugly or too fat or too boring or what! I didn't know it meant I'd be alone one day with kids who are hurting too and don't understand what's going on and love their dad and wonder why he's not home. I don't know how to do this!!! How do I get beyond this? I feel almost paralyzed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how do put one step in front of the other, how to breathe. I don't sleep much and then when I do wake up, I have this heavy sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. EVERY DAY!!!! How do I get rid of that??? I can't even concentrate on everyday mundane things. I keep hoping to wake up and see that this is all a nightmare, that this is over. But it keeps going on. And then I also feel angry. I have been with this man since I was a teenager, over half my life was spent on him....crying and sad and scared and angry. Now I feel old and I'm fat and there is no way I can find someone else. I have been so stupid!!!

What do I do? What do I believe?

As you know from my previous posts, my husband is in jail because of immigration issues. He has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage pretty much. There are issues brought up in a prayer thread on a message forum that I need to explore (possible emotional abuse, codependency, etc)

Well, he called a couple nights ago and said that he felt like he was going crazy in there, like he didn't want to live, etc. He said that he wanted to see the kids and to please take them to visit him. He said he also wanted to see me, he's been doing a lot of thinking.

Probably the wrong choice, but I took the kids today. They each talked to him for a few minutes and then I talked to him.

He repeated what he said on the phone and told me that there was a group of guys who do like a prayer group every night so he's been going to that and he's been praying and asking God what he's supposed to do. He said that he realized how much he's hurt me, that I don't deserve the way he's treated me, that he needed me to ask for forgiveness, etc. He said that if he is able to get out and stay in the country, that he will be very different, things would be very different, that he will work hard for us, spend his time with the family, teach the kids how to do things, find places to volunteer with them, etc. I told him I have no answer because of everything he's done before, the years of crying, wondering when he'll get home, who he was with, the constant lies... He said that even if I didn't forgive him, he still felt that he had to tell me how sorry he was and at least ask for forgiveness.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know how to trust myself to make any decisions, I don't think I have any instincts left. One moment I know that proceeding with the divorce is the right thing, even though its not what I ever wanted. Then I think, but what if he is telling the truth, what if he is a changed man, maybe I need to give him another chance. Then I think, but its so easy to say you're sorry and you want to change when you're in jail. Especially in his case, where his only chance of staying in the country depends on me applying and petitioning on his behalf again, this time before a judge. So I keep going round and round in circles.

I feel so sick to my stomach and my head is spinning. Help!?!??!

Hurting again

I got a call from a friend of A's. So, apparently he is able to call out. He just hasn't felt like calling me or his children. He told his friend to tell me to give him his wallet and all of the immigration papers he's received so far. He asked him to call around and find him a lawyer.

I found out that he's told his friend long ago that he was tired of me, that I didn't keep the house the way he wanted it, that I didn't fix myself up, that I was fat. They (or at least this one) knew about the other women, about the child he had 4 years ago. They've been lending him money (I guess he spends all his money on the other women and their kids.)

I feel so humiliated. All these people that don't even know me are thinking that I'm this fat slob pig and no wonder he has to go to other women. And maybe they're right. I don't really know how to keep house like I'd want, I can't figure out how to organize, but when I'd try to decorate, he'd criticize it, when I tried to cook, he'd usually make me cry and eventually I just gave up. And I am fat. I don't know how to fix myself up nice and I haven't even been able to buy myself a pair of shoes in over 3 years, much less nice clothes. I feel so disgusting right now.

No news on A, but C arrived safely!

I don't know where A is at this point. I haven't heard from him since last week. I did speak to his sister last night and they're worried about him too, so I know he's not back in Mexico yet or I'm sure his family would have heard from him. Still no idea when he'll have to go to immigration court or if I'll be notified of anything.

C is back safe in Israel. She called a few times her first night back, crying. But I spoke with her again tonight and she's doing better. It hurt to hear her say that she's glad she'll never see her father again. I hate knowing that she has so much anger. I worry that she won't get through it in a healthy way, being so far from home and family.

Thanks to a couple of online friends, we were able to get her some of the basics that she needed. Thank God!! That helped to lift her spirits. Although she didn't appreciate it when I joked that the bright side of all this is that we didn't have to worry about exceeding the weight limit for her luggage.

I've been kind of a wreck emotionally. The weight of it all is really dawning on me. I am so scared. I know that so many people in the world have problems much worse than I do. So I feel kind of guilty for feeling so devastated about everything that's happened the past few years in my family. But I just feel like I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this alone. I'm not strong enough, I'm not cut out for this. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I can't do this. I just don't know how. I don't know how to make it easier for my children. I'm really tired and really scared.

C is on her way to Israel

I miss her so much already. I came close to being tempted to make her stay here. But we had talked a lot about it during the summer and she really wanted to go back again this year. It was hard for me because she's becoming such a pleasant young lady. When she left last summer, she was mouthy with a bad attitude and a mean streak toward her siblings. Now, she is fun to be around, interesting to talk to....she's matured a lot in the last year. I've enjoyed spending this summer with her, I only wish it hadn't meen marred by all the trouble with A. I spent too much time crying and being angry because of what he was doing. I spent too little quality time with the kids, especially C. And its going to be rough on D and E. Losing their father (probably permanently) and sister (for the school year)...a family of five is now down to three.

Plans

Yirmiyahu 29:11-13

For I know the thoughts that I think about you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

And you shall call Me and go and pray to Me, and I will hearken to you.

And you will seek Me and find Me for you will seek Me with all your heart.

Grateful for Friends

It is such a comfort to know that I have so many online friends praying for my family. It sounds pathetic, but I really don't have any friends in 'real life'. Acquaintances, coworkers, yes...but not friends. Not people I could confide in or cry to or ask for advice. But I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because I do have friends. I may only see them on message forums or email, but that doesn't make them less my friends. And I know their prayers are helping get through this.

Hmmm....a fresh new blog...fresh new life?

I don't know why I'm starting this blog. I don't know if I'll keep up with it. I know absolutely nothing about blogging, I rarely even read other blogs. But maybe this will help me to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I may end up deleting the whole thing or certain posts later. For now, I'll just post and figure it out later.

ICE agents picked A up this morning and took him to somewhere in Los Angeles. I knew they had rejected his appeal in the immigration case, but I figured they'd send him a letter at some point telling him to be in court or out of the country by a certain date. I didn't think they'd just arrest him out of the blue and I didn't think it would be so soon.

He'll be in jail or wherever they put people until court, I don't know if it will be next week or what. I'm sure he'll be deported. I don't know if they deport people right away after court, if they give them time to wrap up things, notify jobs, say goodbye to their kids, I have no idea. C is returning to Israel on Monday, she says that the last memory she'll have of her dad is him taken away by ICE officers. She doubts she'll ever see him again. I have mixed emotions. He hasn't been served with the divorce papers yet because I procrastinated in getting my forms and copies of accounts, bills, etc to my attorney. So while he knew that I had gone to the lawyer, I was letting him stay here until he was served, as I was worried he might take off and not be found to be served. I was planning on him being out (of the apartment, not the country) by mid-November at the latest. And he was spending a lot of time with D, which was nice (since he hadn't been doing that in a long time). And I'll admit that my overriding worry is that now I won't get 1 cent of child support. Nothing. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I am so freaked out about how I'm supposed to raise these kids alone when I'm not very good at making ends meet now as it is. On the other hand, I already feel like weight has been lifted off of me. He's still with the 'other woman' and while I tell myself not to care, but dang it, it hurts so much knowing that he's with her, calling her, seeing her, taking her & her kids out to eat (a lot...I looked at his bank statment), and telling C that he couldn't even give her money for things like underwear, deoderant, clothes, etc. I tried to buy some of the stuff she needs, but my bank card declined, so she's going back to Israel with no personal care products, very few clothes (most of the clothes she took last year were already getting small for her and she grew quite a bit). She's angry, sad, worried, etc. I'm angry for her.

I'm just all mixed up and confused. On one hand, it feels kind of good that he's gone, I don't have to look at him knowing he just came from being with her & her kids. On the other, I know I won't get child support, I don't know how difficult it will be (or if it will even be possible) to get a divorce if he's out of the country, and I'm heartbroken for my kids.

I know that God is in control of everything and everything is for the best. Its hard for me to internalize that right now when I'm so scared. But could this be the start of a new life for me and for the kids? I have a lot of learning to do, a lot of growing, a lot of changing. I just hope that I can.