Even in jail he doesn't change I guess...

He called tonight to ask when I will take the kids. And he mentioned that she went to visit him yesterday. His tone was like it was no big deal...he feels 'lonely' there, 'depressed', etc. After telling me last week that he was sorry for everything, asking for forgiveness, etc. I was thinking maybe it took something like this to make him wake up to what he was doing, really think about things....but nope...he's still playing his stupid games I guess. Nothing is a big deal. Man my heart is in pieces!! Yes I knew he would be deported, yes I knew that the divorce was going to happen, but still!! This hurts so much and I am SO TIRED of all these tears!! I'm tired of my eyes burning all the time, the sallow look on my face all the time, I'm sick of it! I'm hurting!! My kids are hurting!!! They're not stupid...they don't know details but I know they have an idea of what's been going on. How horrible it must be for a child to know that their own father is doing these things. How can a man not even care about his own children? How can live a life that can only end up hurting his kids? I don't get it!!! For that matter, I don't get how any woman get get involved with a married man. That is just so disgusting and so low.

I need to go turn on the shower and cry in there so the kids don't hear me crying like this.

When will I wake up without tears?

I woke up this morning about 5:30am while having a dream about A. Its a little fuzzy now, but I know I dreamt that I called his cell phone. (I don't know why since he's still at the jail and his phone is in my purse.) I was leaving him a message, I think I was crying as I spoke. And suddenly she picked up the phone and gave it to him, saying, "It's her again!" He answered and asked why I was calling when it was so early and they were still sleeping. I said something about how the kids and I thought he was still in jail, yet he obviously didn't let us know. I know there was more to the dream, but that's all I remember right now. But I woke up in the middle of it, my heart was pounding, and my pillow was wet. It took a while of working on taking steady deep breaths to calm down again.

I'd love to wake up and not have this heaviness on me. :(

A got his court date

A called to tell me that he got his court date. He'll go on November 10th, I don't know where it will be. I guess at that time he'll fnd out when he will be going back to Mexico. I told him that my lawyer said the divorce papers will be served sometime next week. I guess I shouldn't have. I have no discernment about when to keep my mouth shut I guess. Anyway, he got all quiet and then just said "I have to go, give the babies a kiss for me, tell them I love them."

The bad thing is that I had been feeling very better earlier today. Even going in to sign the papers so my lawyer can file them with the court didn't leave me that emotional. But this...I've been crying ever since, not just tears silently falling....loud, uncontrollable sobbing coming from deep within me. It hurts so much!!! I never wanted this! I thought that when you get married, barring unforseeable tragedy, you are going to grow old with this person, raise children, spend time with grandchildren, look back on a lifetime of holidays and birthdays and vacations and daily living and smile and talk about how wonderful its been. I didn't know that getting married would mean years of crying and waiting and trusting in what turned out to be lies, and wondering if its all because I'm too ugly or too fat or too boring or what! I didn't know it meant I'd be alone one day with kids who are hurting too and don't understand what's going on and love their dad and wonder why he's not home. I don't know how to do this!!! How do I get beyond this? I feel almost paralyzed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how do put one step in front of the other, how to breathe. I don't sleep much and then when I do wake up, I have this heavy sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. EVERY DAY!!!! How do I get rid of that??? I can't even concentrate on everyday mundane things. I keep hoping to wake up and see that this is all a nightmare, that this is over. But it keeps going on. And then I also feel angry. I have been with this man since I was a teenager, over half my life was spent on him....crying and sad and scared and angry. Now I feel old and I'm fat and there is no way I can find someone else. I have been so stupid!!!

What do I do? What do I believe?

As you know from my previous posts, my husband is in jail because of immigration issues. He has been unfaithful to me throughout our marriage pretty much. There are issues brought up in a prayer thread on a message forum that I need to explore (possible emotional abuse, codependency, etc)

Well, he called a couple nights ago and said that he felt like he was going crazy in there, like he didn't want to live, etc. He said that he wanted to see the kids and to please take them to visit him. He said he also wanted to see me, he's been doing a lot of thinking.

Probably the wrong choice, but I took the kids today. They each talked to him for a few minutes and then I talked to him.

He repeated what he said on the phone and told me that there was a group of guys who do like a prayer group every night so he's been going to that and he's been praying and asking God what he's supposed to do. He said that he realized how much he's hurt me, that I don't deserve the way he's treated me, that he needed me to ask for forgiveness, etc. He said that if he is able to get out and stay in the country, that he will be very different, things would be very different, that he will work hard for us, spend his time with the family, teach the kids how to do things, find places to volunteer with them, etc. I told him I have no answer because of everything he's done before, the years of crying, wondering when he'll get home, who he was with, the constant lies... He said that even if I didn't forgive him, he still felt that he had to tell me how sorry he was and at least ask for forgiveness.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know how to trust myself to make any decisions, I don't think I have any instincts left. One moment I know that proceeding with the divorce is the right thing, even though its not what I ever wanted. Then I think, but what if he is telling the truth, what if he is a changed man, maybe I need to give him another chance. Then I think, but its so easy to say you're sorry and you want to change when you're in jail. Especially in his case, where his only chance of staying in the country depends on me applying and petitioning on his behalf again, this time before a judge. So I keep going round and round in circles.

I feel so sick to my stomach and my head is spinning. Help!?!??!

Hurting again

I got a call from a friend of A's. So, apparently he is able to call out. He just hasn't felt like calling me or his children. He told his friend to tell me to give him his wallet and all of the immigration papers he's received so far. He asked him to call around and find him a lawyer.

I found out that he's told his friend long ago that he was tired of me, that I didn't keep the house the way he wanted it, that I didn't fix myself up, that I was fat. They (or at least this one) knew about the other women, about the child he had 4 years ago. They've been lending him money (I guess he spends all his money on the other women and their kids.)

I feel so humiliated. All these people that don't even know me are thinking that I'm this fat slob pig and no wonder he has to go to other women. And maybe they're right. I don't really know how to keep house like I'd want, I can't figure out how to organize, but when I'd try to decorate, he'd criticize it, when I tried to cook, he'd usually make me cry and eventually I just gave up. And I am fat. I don't know how to fix myself up nice and I haven't even been able to buy myself a pair of shoes in over 3 years, much less nice clothes. I feel so disgusting right now.

No news on A, but C arrived safely!

I don't know where A is at this point. I haven't heard from him since last week. I did speak to his sister last night and they're worried about him too, so I know he's not back in Mexico yet or I'm sure his family would have heard from him. Still no idea when he'll have to go to immigration court or if I'll be notified of anything.

C is back safe in Israel. She called a few times her first night back, crying. But I spoke with her again tonight and she's doing better. It hurt to hear her say that she's glad she'll never see her father again. I hate knowing that she has so much anger. I worry that she won't get through it in a healthy way, being so far from home and family.

Thanks to a couple of online friends, we were able to get her some of the basics that she needed. Thank God!! That helped to lift her spirits. Although she didn't appreciate it when I joked that the bright side of all this is that we didn't have to worry about exceeding the weight limit for her luggage.

I've been kind of a wreck emotionally. The weight of it all is really dawning on me. I am so scared. I know that so many people in the world have problems much worse than I do. So I feel kind of guilty for feeling so devastated about everything that's happened the past few years in my family. But I just feel like I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this alone. I'm not strong enough, I'm not cut out for this. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I can't do this. I just don't know how. I don't know how to make it easier for my children. I'm really tired and really scared.

C is on her way to Israel

I miss her so much already. I came close to being tempted to make her stay here. But we had talked a lot about it during the summer and she really wanted to go back again this year. It was hard for me because she's becoming such a pleasant young lady. When she left last summer, she was mouthy with a bad attitude and a mean streak toward her siblings. Now, she is fun to be around, interesting to talk to....she's matured a lot in the last year. I've enjoyed spending this summer with her, I only wish it hadn't meen marred by all the trouble with A. I spent too much time crying and being angry because of what he was doing. I spent too little quality time with the kids, especially C. And its going to be rough on D and E. Losing their father (probably permanently) and sister (for the school year)...a family of five is now down to three.