A got his court date

A called to tell me that he got his court date. He'll go on November 10th, I don't know where it will be. I guess at that time he'll fnd out when he will be going back to Mexico. I told him that my lawyer said the divorce papers will be served sometime next week. I guess I shouldn't have. I have no discernment about when to keep my mouth shut I guess. Anyway, he got all quiet and then just said "I have to go, give the babies a kiss for me, tell them I love them."

The bad thing is that I had been feeling very better earlier today. Even going in to sign the papers so my lawyer can file them with the court didn't leave me that emotional. But this...I've been crying ever since, not just tears silently falling....loud, uncontrollable sobbing coming from deep within me. It hurts so much!!! I never wanted this! I thought that when you get married, barring unforseeable tragedy, you are going to grow old with this person, raise children, spend time with grandchildren, look back on a lifetime of holidays and birthdays and vacations and daily living and smile and talk about how wonderful its been. I didn't know that getting married would mean years of crying and waiting and trusting in what turned out to be lies, and wondering if its all because I'm too ugly or too fat or too boring or what! I didn't know it meant I'd be alone one day with kids who are hurting too and don't understand what's going on and love their dad and wonder why he's not home. I don't know how to do this!!! How do I get beyond this? I feel almost paralyzed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how do put one step in front of the other, how to breathe. I don't sleep much and then when I do wake up, I have this heavy sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. EVERY DAY!!!! How do I get rid of that??? I can't even concentrate on everyday mundane things. I keep hoping to wake up and see that this is all a nightmare, that this is over. But it keeps going on. And then I also feel angry. I have been with this man since I was a teenager, over half my life was spent on him....crying and sad and scared and angry. Now I feel old and I'm fat and there is no way I can find someone else. I have been so stupid!!!