Hmmm....a fresh new blog...fresh new life?

I don't know why I'm starting this blog. I don't know if I'll keep up with it. I know absolutely nothing about blogging, I rarely even read other blogs. But maybe this will help me to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I may end up deleting the whole thing or certain posts later. For now, I'll just post and figure it out later.

ICE agents picked A up this morning and took him to somewhere in Los Angeles. I knew they had rejected his appeal in the immigration case, but I figured they'd send him a letter at some point telling him to be in court or out of the country by a certain date. I didn't think they'd just arrest him out of the blue and I didn't think it would be so soon.

He'll be in jail or wherever they put people until court, I don't know if it will be next week or what. I'm sure he'll be deported. I don't know if they deport people right away after court, if they give them time to wrap up things, notify jobs, say goodbye to their kids, I have no idea. C is returning to Israel on Monday, she says that the last memory she'll have of her dad is him taken away by ICE officers. She doubts she'll ever see him again. I have mixed emotions. He hasn't been served with the divorce papers yet because I procrastinated in getting my forms and copies of accounts, bills, etc to my attorney. So while he knew that I had gone to the lawyer, I was letting him stay here until he was served, as I was worried he might take off and not be found to be served. I was planning on him being out (of the apartment, not the country) by mid-November at the latest. And he was spending a lot of time with D, which was nice (since he hadn't been doing that in a long time). And I'll admit that my overriding worry is that now I won't get 1 cent of child support. Nothing. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I am so freaked out about how I'm supposed to raise these kids alone when I'm not very good at making ends meet now as it is. On the other hand, I already feel like weight has been lifted off of me. He's still with the 'other woman' and while I tell myself not to care, but dang it, it hurts so much knowing that he's with her, calling her, seeing her, taking her & her kids out to eat (a lot...I looked at his bank statment), and telling C that he couldn't even give her money for things like underwear, deoderant, clothes, etc. I tried to buy some of the stuff she needs, but my bank card declined, so she's going back to Israel with no personal care products, very few clothes (most of the clothes she took last year were already getting small for her and she grew quite a bit). She's angry, sad, worried, etc. I'm angry for her.

I'm just all mixed up and confused. On one hand, it feels kind of good that he's gone, I don't have to look at him knowing he just came from being with her & her kids. On the other, I know I won't get child support, I don't know how difficult it will be (or if it will even be possible) to get a divorce if he's out of the country, and I'm heartbroken for my kids.

I know that God is in control of everything and everything is for the best. Its hard for me to internalize that right now when I'm so scared. But could this be the start of a new life for me and for the kids? I have a lot of learning to do, a lot of growing, a lot of changing. I just hope that I can.